In Memory of Shelly
In 1993, I lost my 22 year old daughter.
I tried to find books that would help me deal with my daughters death..All I could find was books that dealt with miscarrages, infant deaths, and younger children. These didn't help, it was not what I
needed. So, like many people I fumbled through..I was told that I should try joining a Grief Counseling group. That if I talked with others that were also trying to cope it might help. Fine and good only I was over a hundred miles away from any group like that. I couldn't afford to travel back and forth all the time.Then my sister said that maybe I should write my feelings in a journal. That by writing I could release some of my emotions. The journal would never been seen by anyone, that if I felt like it I could burn it when I no longer needed an emotional outlet. Well, I never burned it, though, I must admit I have never read anything I have written in it. I am in no way a couselor nor, do I know anything about it. But, by writing what I went through and how I am coping with my loss.I hope in someway it will help others. It has been a little over nine years since I lost Shelly and I have gone through many different phases of grief. When the Officer first told me that she was dead I told him that he was lieing. But, it only took a minute for me to realize that he had absolutely no reason to lie to me. The next thing I remembered was a voice saying, "Catch her she's going down." In the background I heard my other daughter yell out "No". I realized that I didn't have the luxury of fainting, that I had to help Shelly's twin sister deal with the fact that Shelly was gone.(Which was no easy task!!)The next hour was a painful blur of calling my mother and other members of the family to let them know what had happened.That was at nine o'clock that night. Needless to say the thought of sleep that night was completely out of the question. That night and the weeks to come I blamed myself for not realizing something had happened to Shelly. After all, when you watch shows on television don't they say that mothers always know when something is wrong or happening to one of their children. Well, in real life baby that just isn't happening... The days before the funeral were awful (there is no other way to discribe it), I had to make arrangements for the funeral and all the decisions that a mother prays she will never have to make. People were in and out of the house, the phone was ringing off the wall and everyone was telling me that I would be alright. That I was strong and would get through this..Well, I didn't feel strong, all I wanted to do was crawl into a corner and pretend that this wasn't happening, that it was a dream and I would wake up soon. What really got to me was a few people would come over and try to tell me what songs should be played at the service, that they knew these were her favorite songs. Excuse me, I am her mother and I do believe I know a little about my daughters likes and dislikes. They might have been trying to help, but, they were really making me mad. Which as I look back might have been a good thing, at least I was showing some type of emotion and it made the pain go away for a moment or two. What helped me was(and still is)the belief that Shelly is in a better place. That she is in Heaven with God, that she is safe from all harm and is happy. People have asked me many times if I blamed God for what happened. I can truthfully say "No, I have never blamed God." What happened to my daughter was not God's fault. It was her time to go and she could have gone alot worse ways than by hyperthermia. I am not going to preach to you. My beliefs, are just that, my beliefs...And your beliefs, are your beliefs..I have always believed, and respected other peoples beliefs...They don't have to be mine. After all, we are all different. That doesn't make us bad or good. After the service most people went back to their regular routines. My mother stayed with me for a couple of weeks, before she went back home.The one mistake that I made and if I had to do over again I wouldn't do was that I went back to work the second week after the funeral. Bad mistake on my part. People don't intentionally try to be cruel. They just don't think. They ask questions, that are really painful. Then can't figure out why you have broken down in tears. Everything is just two fresh and raw to deal with in public. Thankfully, I have a really close friend who helped me out alot my listening to me and by talking about Shelly with me. When I would hollar and rant and rave about how insensitive people were, she would put it all into retrospect for me. After all, it takes time for a person to think clearly again. You have to give yourself time...No matter what anyone says, it takes time...Not a week or a month...One of the phrases I hated and still do is "I know how you feel".Excuse me, have you lost a child.Loosing a child is not like loosing a parent,friend, or another family member. You are loosing part of yourself. (Though, once you start thinking clearly again. You realize that you can never loose them. They are with you always. Not matter where you are or what you are doing they are with you. In your heart, in your memories. In your very being.) |
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