|
I am not going to try to sugar coat it, the
first year wasn't good. The first few months I would cry alot. I went
out to Shellys grave everyday to make sure everything was the way I
had left it the day before. I would cry and tell her how much I loved
her and missed her. It was my other daughter and grandson that kept me from retreating from reality. My daughter was having a real bad time of it, she didn't even want anyone bringing up her sisters name. I knew that if I didn't act at least somewhat normal that she would go even farther into depression. During this time I was numb, I had no emotional feelings towards anyone. All I really wanted was to be left alone. To even smile seemed to make my face hurt. At times I would come out of the emotional numbness to feel sorry for my husband(Shelly's step-father). I had no feelings towards anyone,with the exception of my remaining daughter. I don't know the first time I laughed again, though I do remember being startled by the sound of it. To me my laugh was brittle, unlike my usual laugh. I remember that I felt guilty about being able to laugh. But, as the months passed I found that I could laugh more often and I wasn't feeling guilty about it anymore. I know that Shelly would want me to go on with my life and be happy. But, there was still times when missing her would totally overwhelm me. My mother came down in August for Shelly and Donnas birthday. She was really worried about how I was going to cope with it. After all, Donna was still alive and I had always made a point of cooking a big dinner and having a small birthday party for them. I was doing fairly well until, it came time to bring out the birthday cake. I took a look at it with only one name on it and burst into tears. Thankfully, Donna was outside and didn't see this. I got through that day, but, it was a hard to go through. The first year is a rough year because, everything is the first time for not having your child around. The holidays were extremely rough for me, Shelly loved the holiday season. On Thanksgiving she would come over early in the morning and spend the day. Sometimes, she would help me cook, but mostly she would play card games with everyone. She enjoyed life so much and would laugh with glee at anything that she thought was even remotely funny.(She was alot like me in that respect.)At Christmas time she would go with us to pick out the perfect Christmas Tree. The year before she died her step-father and her had cut down an eight foot tree. She was so proud of that tree, I had to take everything out of my dining room to fit the tree there.(We ate off TV trays that year. The dining room table and chairs were out in the garage.)I remembered this the first Christmas without Shelly and wished she was here with us. Once again my mother made sure she was with me throughout the holiday season. We would talk about Shelly and talk honestly about our feelings. (My mother is gone now but, I look back on that year and realized how much closer we became.) I took the tree down the day after Christmas, I wanted the holidays over. February came around all to soon and I took the week of Shellys death off. I was depressed and didn't want to be around anyone I didn't have to be. I spent most of my time out at her grave cleaning it and putting fresh flowers on it. Where we live no one takes care of the gravesite, it is up to the family to do. I would pick the weeds and talk to Shelly about everything that was happening. I felt very close to there and had to force myself to leave when it was time. I realized as I drove away that I HAD GOTTEN THROUGH THE FIRST YEAR.... |
|
Back to Coping Index
and The Following Years Home This not-for-profit Website is hosted by Little Creek© This website was designed by Mary Jo Gorton. Copyright© 2001-2002 Mary Jo Gorton. All rights reserved. |